MAYBE SHE WAS JUST TIRED.........

The task was beyond the bounds of possibility for her. And, they tirelessly reiterated ‘MOVE ON!’

But, it is unattainable when you get used to somebody. Don’t you agree? *Do not deny facts*

Gradually, you get accustomed to them. They become a habit for you and you begin associating certain places with them, several songs never fail to remind you of the moments shared together. There’s a hell lot of associative nostalgia that keeps on accumulating at the back of your mind which every now and then escapes from your cranial cabin and successfully blurs your bright and sunny day. 

At times you feel you are the happiest soul on this Earth and out of nowhere, a poor Radio Jockey plays a random track and you feel like screaming…

“Please, Mr., please, don’t play B-17
It was our song, it was his song, but it’s over
Please, Mr., please, if you know what I mean
I don’t ever wanna hear that song again”

Nevertheless, she was asked to ‘Move On!’ Ah! It was baffling. It was worse than the excruciating pain she felt due to his uninvited absence. Days, weeks and months went by. She made hundreds of attempts to forget him but guess what? She failed. She spent days waiting for that one call from his end, which never came. For months she waited for a single glimpse of his, which she still awaits for.

But, then, dawned a new day and she resolved, finally.

After all of these, maybe she was just tired of too many dead ends, phone calls never returned, promises that were never kept, tripping over the same stone again and again.

This time around, she had the strong conviction in her decision. She told herself, ‘This is it!’

She made up her mind to turn a blind eye to his ignorance which was never called for. She was determined to avoid every tiny thing that reminded her of him. But, what would she do to those myriad memories that simply couldn’t be washed away?

Nevertheless a complete year flew by. She indeed tried her best to keep all of his talks, ways and memories away. She knew He Was Forgotten. Yes! He Was. As life got busy, there seemed to be no time to spare over the ever present past.

After over an extremely happening year, there came a day when she found herself as idle as she had never been for months. She decided to watch Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts starrer ‘The Mexican’. Half way into the movie, she came across the dialogues,

 “When You Love Somebody and Do Not Seem to Get along Together, When Do You Realize that Enough is Enough? Never! ”

It all of a sudden, crowded her mind with an assorted host of memories, which were at least five years old and had been buried for long and rendered her vision, all filmy. Yes! She agreed to it. Never can you recollect a moment when you feel ‘Enough is Enough’! A part of you, to be precise, your heart doesn't grant you the agreement even though your mind says ‘Enough is Enough!’

He had lived in her memories for all these months, silently. Though his absence hurt, irked, pained, yet he was never a stranger. And, this stays as a universal fact. 

No matter what, feelings and memories never erode. 

They just linger on. 

Sometimes, IN FOCUS and sometimes, OUT OF FOCUS!

Doesn't it click?

Catharsis, At Last !

This is perhaps one of the very few posts I have written relying completely on my personal experiences.

'Estrangement', 'Alienation', 'Distance', 'Separation'

These do not form the basis of what follows but, plays an essentially important role in what lies ahead.

So, feel free to get connected to it, you may argue against it and one has all the rights to rubbish it off but, at the end of the day, it stays as true and genuine for me as we see the sun rise and set every dawn and dusk.

How often have we confined our deepest thoughts and feelings in our hearts waiting for that one beck that instantaneously prompts us to unveil it all at once? How often do we keep on enduring pains for the ones close to us? That’s something which can never earn a universal conviction hence, let that be aside.

After going through pains for long, one cannot deny the formal feeling that sets in and there’s always a lot to say even when we proclaim, ‘I have nothing more to say to you!’ and it all stays bottled up until that one moment when the memories from your past come gushing into your present and flood your vision as moments keep flashing by your eyes and render them all misty.

And, that is the hour when one cannot hold back the tears anymore; the words seem to flow like the pious river stream with nothing but the truth.

For me, it took just two lines and everything came back to me and suddenly the perpetual estrangement seemed to vanish into thin air, wetting my eyes out of nowhere.

For months, what stayed unspoken and untold, all the thoughts that were always a part of me and remained only with me found all the right words at the right time. Perhaps, it was the cathartic moment for me that proved ‘love’ and ‘pain’ goes hand in hand and one can never bear the insurmountable amount of pain unless the love is equally intense.

Ever since that evening, memories of all sorts have often hit me at strange hours and they have catapulted me over and over again between various time periods. After being captured by a strong feeling of nostalgia, as I write this out, there is only one thing which I am sure of.

I know...even after weeks, months, years, decades, the pains will reside in harmony with love, inseparable, next to each other, enclosed within the boundaries of the ever-suffering heart.

Peace!

40 minutes of SOLITUDE

It took me mere few weeks to get connected to them in an extremely bizarre manner. Perhaps, the bond established because I never saw the ugly side of them and when I finally interacted with the ugly side, I was already so very much in love with them that I couldn’t feel their wrath.

Well! I am talking about Mumbai’s lifeline- the local trains. I had a year long relationship with them and I simply enjoyed every bit of it. Indeed, they did test my patience from time to time by making me wait for even half an hour at times but they were never torturous even for a day. In fact, every single journey has been memorable to the zenith. Till date, I guess I have been alone most of the times while travelling via trains without any company, but only strangers around me. Yet, the time spent travelling will forever be special to me as they have been the only moments I spent with my thoughts, without any interruptions.

Every morning on boarding the train, I would find empty seats inviting me. But, they never tempted me as enticingly as the breeze near the gate did; hence, I preferred standing near the gate but never hanged outside the gate. And, the next forty minutes, I would endlessly predict the day’s proceedings and blind myself with blissful anticipations. The icing on the cake was contributed by the earphones which always treated my eardrums with my favorite tracks. I even experienced the phenomena of associative nostalgia during these journeys. ‘Associative Nostalgia’ is generally related to a certain smell that triggers memories while in my case, the songs would always transfer me to some place in my past and I would return to the present only when my final destination would arrive.

And, the voyage back would always be unforgettable as it would involve reliving the entire day and the breeze in the evening never failed to heighten the comfort quotient of the entire odyssey. Nevertheless, these train journeys have not always been as delightful as it may seem for there were days when the forty minutes seemed like hours and at times, these trains moved as sluggishly as possible and specially when I would be in a hurry, they would discourteously halt amidst of nowhere for way too many minutes. Often, the thought of jumping off the train and walking on the tracks seemed a faster mode of transport. Honestly, at the same time I would find that thought of mine awfully impractical.

There would be times when after borivali, the compartment would have nobody except for me. Thus, I could have the entire compartment to myself and I can vividly recall quite a few occasions, when a tear or two rolled down gently as I stood near the gate, with a heavy heart, staring out into the space and desperately wanting to increase the length of the journey. These were the days when I would whole heartedly welcome the abrupt halts and never mind them even for once. These trains have seen me through the best as well as the worst of days and never even tried to break into my thoughts and have let me be myself. Ah! Even today, when I travel via trains, I am suddenly surrounded by a startling host of memories and train travel would be a wonderful substitute for time-travelling. :P

There have been days when I had to travel in the quintessentially crowded Mumbai Trains and frankly, I am scared of them to the core. I might emerge out of the train after an hour in the form of a bundle of broken bones. But, definitely I have spent some of the most beautiful moments with myself in sheer solitude confined in those compartments and would love to travel in the same fashion forever.

 ‘Santacruz to Mira Road…’ : A journey to be cherished forever, no matter what !